Gabriella Lewis-Jagne

Thick-Skinned

Novel extract

Mount Fuji

After a hectic morning of internal stupor and rushing for our coach, we found our stop and hopped aboard. To my surprise, it wasn’t as busy as I anticipated. A few elderly Japanese couples and some other western tourists. I felt my body ease.

After sitting for ten minutes, we pulled away from our stop out into the main road. I was wondered what Tristan was thinking and feeling after last night. He turned to me, looked down at the corner of my mouth and started to laugh.

‘What?’

He carried on laughing with no response, so I nudged his arm.

‘What’s this funny!’ 

I covered my face then peeked through my fingers to see his eyes creased at the edges, watching me adoringly.

‘I didn’t notice until now, I guess I wasn’t looking properly while in a rush. You have dry toothpaste down your chin.’

‘Oh great. I’ve been walking around looking like I’ve dribbled on myself.’

‘I can see your smirk fighting through, don’t try that one with me.’

‘I wondered why I was getting funny looks! Rub it off for me.’

He licked his thumb, held my chin with his other hand and rubbed it away.  

‘I thought the looks were because I’m a tall lanky white dude who towers above everyone here.’

‘True, you’re a bloody beanstalk with spaghetti legs.’

‘Oi, don’t push your luck.’

‘You love it.’

‘Oh, do I?’

‘You always calling me sassy but secretly like it.’

‘You’re constantly giving me sass though, where’s the affection?’

‘Maybe you should earn it, don’t sulk.’

‘I’m a man, what do you expect.’

‘At least you’re honest.’

I didn’t have a comeback for something I found rather witty, not this time anyway.

After a little while of looking out the window at the brown and yellow leaves falling off the blossom trees, locals rushing through the streets on their way to work and multicoloured lights down nearly every street I turned back to Tristan to lean into his neck. I propped my head on his shoulder.

‘Ow. This isn’t as comfortable as I thought it would be. You’re so bony.’

‘Thanks.’

‘No worries, I’ll take your lap instead.’

I moved my head down his body and placed my head on his thighs. He stretched his legs out and looked slightly pained. 

‘Get up a moment, let me adjust myself.’

After he’d subtly adjusted, I laid my head back down. He put his arms around my shoulders to support me and continuously stroked my hair. He was warm. I liked his natural smell, it was comforting, he didn’t need cologne.  

‘You’re like a little kitten. You purr when I do this.’

I started laughing but it was quite cringe.

‘That’s ridiculous, humans can’t purr.’

‘Well, this one does.’

‘You’re so weird.’

‘So are you, purring human.’

I couldn’t stop giggling and it wasn’t even that funny, it’s the fact that he was serious about it. I quietened down, I was sleepy. We enjoyed the silence while trying not to look at one another. I was drawn back to his eyes as I could feel them watching me. 

‘Why do you keep staring at me?’

‘Why do you?’

‘Because you do.’

‘Why wouldn’t I?’

I didn’t have an answer. Every time I look in a mirror, I don’t understand how others can like what I see in the reflection. I feel ugly but I know by how others treat me that I logically can’t be. This doesn’t change how I feel. 

I must have drifted mid thought because I woke up when the driver announced that we had arrived at Kawaguchi station. The hotel staff collected us in a minibus and drove us to our hotel. 

‘The town is so quiet, I guess it’s out of season.’

‘Yeah, in Spring I’m sure its hectic as fuck.’

I was still surprised because the sun was beaming, with clear skies and a delicate warmth that didn’t feel too stifling. 

Tristan took my bags and carried them to reception, then came back and lightly guided me by my hips out of the door. He pulled away quickly as soon as I was on the pavement. We were in front of the locals, public displays of affection were frowned upon here. Well, not necessarily frowned upon, but people didn’t do it. They saved any kind of affection for behind closed doors within their own privacy.

We checked in, paid, and were shown to our rooms. We got the room with traditional tatami mats, a private Onsen on the balcony and a direct view of Mount Fuji.

After unpacking our belongings, we decided to make the most of the day and go to the lakes Kawaguchi and Saiki which were a short bus ride away. 

We came out of the hotel, crossed the road, and walked to Kawaguchi as it was closer. I placed my hand under the clear water which rippled over my hands from the blows of the wind. 

Tristan walked up to crouch behind me and pretend to push me in.

‘Tris!! My phone!’

‘It’s okay I’ve got you.’ 

‘Fucking hell.’ I leaned back into his chest and laughed too.

‘Like I’d push you in.’

‘Wouldn’t put it past you.’

‘Are you ever not giving me sass? Is it an armour? The queen of sass whose guard can’t be penetrated.’

‘Only by those who will be blessed.’

He looked coy.

‘Was that… technically a compliment for once?’

‘No, what made you think that?’

‘Oh, here we go again.’ He lifted me from under my arms.

‘You’re so light.’

‘Doubt it.’

‘Nah you are, it’s so easy to pick you up.’

‘If you say so chicken legs.’

He put me back down.

‘Fuck off,’ He laughed. ‘I know I’m lanky but I’m strong.’ He flexed his biceps mocking all the gym bros who flex themselves on Instagram.

The leaves were bright red on the trees, something I’d never seen before. The view of mount fuji was in the background of the lake with an icing of snow and clouds dispersed yet gathered around the top.

They had duck-shaped boats for hire which we decided to get. We walked over to the small dock where a young-looking couple came up to us and asked if we could take a photo for them. Tristan did. I watched as the man put his arm around her waist and pulled her in tight while they both smiled. I wondered if that would be us one day or whether this flame would burn bright then fizzle out in one fell swoop.

Once we paid and climbed into the boat Tristan started to row on one side while I relaxed on the other. We had an hour booked so he pushed us quite far out from the dock. He set the oars down, let us float idly, then leaned towards me and stroked my knee lightly before tucking a loose hair behind my ear. 

I flushed every time he touched me, even if it was brushing my skin by accident. I convinced myself it was the sun, but I knew it wasn’t. 

I put my hand in the water again, swirling it around while watching the fish swim up to nip my fingertips. They looked like koi. Bright coloured. I wiped the water over my forehead and smoothed the front of my hair, drying the rest on the waist of my dress as Tristan started to row again. 

Once he had gotten back into the swing of it, I spread my legs ever so slightly as he watched. Not enough for him to notice I was doing it on purpose but enough for him to think to himself that I might be. 

I wasn’t even sure why. I do tend to be a tease but not on purpose as I was now. It’s men who have told me I am but maybe that’s their egos talking. Sometimes people think I’m flirting when I’m just trying to be friendly as I know my outer demeanour can seem icy.

It took Ludo three months of solid effort to sleep with me. Not that it matters, but I like to take my time with people I’m developing feelings for. It’s cliché, but I feel like I’ve known Tristan my whole life. It’s like reconnecting with an old friend you’ve had a long history with.

It clicks. I’ve known him for three years now and we did hang out a bit before this trip, but it was mostly platonic. I say platonic, the kind of platonic where you know there is mutual attraction, but you don’t cross the line into anything more. Something about him disarmed me. Willing to travel to another country with someone is a bigger deal than I originally thought now I was here. I booked it impulsively, but even though I’m extremely impulsive, this wasn’t something I’d usually do. I couldn’t pinpoint what it was. 

Why him? 

‘Are you alright over there? You look like you’re away with the fairies.’

When he looked at me it felt like he saw me. He saw me, for me. Other people saw an idea of me they liked or wanted. Perhaps he did too, and I was deluding myself but for now, it felt right. 

‘I’m good, just thinking…’

‘About?’

‘Nothing major. What are you thinking about?’

‘You.’

‘I’m right here.’

‘I’m thinking about what you could be thinking about.’

‘Okay, now you’re just talking in circles to get me to open up.’ 

‘You’re switched on. I like it.’ 

We were talking between the lines again. Dancing around the words we want to say and the connection we’re trying to deny. 

***

During the evening the hotel had given us traditional Japanese Kimonos to wear for dinner. Tristan helped me put mine on before he dressed in his then persuaded me to stand against the tall wooden wardrobe for a photo. I begrudgingly agreed. I hated photos of my face. I turned my head to the side and laughed in awkwardness. I did look genuinely happy when he showed me though. 

‘You’re always giggling and smiling. It’s enamouring’

‘I think it’s half awkward and half finding things funny for no real reason sometimes.’ 

‘I know, but it’s warming when you’re in these light silly moods. It makes me happy.’

‘Probably because I’m goofy and you are too.’

‘Not with everyone though.’

‘Got to play it cool with the masses.’

‘What masses?’ He laughed.

‘No idea, I’m talking complete shit.’

‘Okay bub, let’s go to dinner.’

We were seated at our table for the 5-course meal we’d booked with the room. I was worried as it was a set menu and I’m fussy with food. It would likely be a lot of seafood by the smell of the room. Something I wasn’t too fond of overall even though I like some fish.

‘I hope I like everything,’ I whispered so the waiters couldn’t hear.

‘I’m sure you will. I know you find certain textures difficult but it’s good to try new things. I used to be like you, but I pushed through it.’

‘Ah, but the textures of certain foods really do make me uncomfortable Tris. Honestly, I’ll get watery-eyed and almost have a meltdown. Sometimes I must get whatever it is out of my mouth. I don’t know why.’

‘Okay, I get it but try not to do that here. That would be so offensive to Japanese people. They pride themselves on food.’

‘I know, I know.’ I sighed. ‘We’ll see what comes. Maybe you can eat mine.’

‘It hasn’t even come yet. Don’t overthink it!’

‘Okay, okay.’ I took a sip of water to calm myself down.

The first course was only miso soup, the second course was some tuna sushi which is always a delight. But now the tricky part was a small boiling pot of liquid with the whole body of a small fish floating inside it. The sight of it alone put me off. The black beaded eyes staring back at me. I couldn’t bring myself to try it. Tristan did and looked disappointed I wouldn’t.

‘I’m going to be hungry later, I can tell.’

‘Well, you’re not even trying it bub, but I probably will too. They’re small portions.’

‘I know I don’t like fish like this though, I don’t want to risk spitting it out.’ 

‘Yeah, don’t do that.’ He matched my low tone and laughed but looked serious in his eyes.

‘Do you even like it?’

‘It’s not my favourite thing I’ve tried but it’s okay.’

When the waiter came to collect our plates, Tristan told him I wasn’t feeling too well and was finding it difficult to eat now. Then he asked if we could have some rice. At least rice was safe and filling. I could eat it alone and be happy. I used to put a dollop of butter in rice as a child with a little pepper and salt. The same with pasta. Believe it or not, I did love Japanese food. It was one of my favourite cuisines and one of the reasons I was excited to come here. I had been fine until now when I had a choice from the menu. I just don’t do well with the heavily seafood-based dishes unless it’s sushi or sashimi. 

They came with a bowl of fluffy rice for each of us. I put some soya sauce on mine and ate it with chopsticks. I was quite impressed with myself. 

‘You’re pretty good with those!’

‘I have no idea how to hold them properly though.’

‘Jake and Yua have shown me before, they can eat so fast with them, and I’ve seen it explained on those cooking shows I like. I watch them in the bath all the time. Anyway—’ He explained as he demonstrated. ‘First, hold the upper chopstick like a pencil about one-third of the way from its top. Next, place the second chopstick against your ring finger … Yeah like that. Holding it with the base of your thumb.’

‘This?’

‘No, like this. It should be pointing the same way as the first chopstick. Now, move the upper chopstick with your thumb, index, and middle fingers.’

I tried to do it but found it more difficult than whatever way I was doing before.

‘I think I get it, but the other way was easier?!’

‘To be fair you were managing fine the other way, but this is the way you’re meant to. It’s easier the right way with smaller things too apparently. Individual grains of rice for instance. You have more control.’

After forcing myself to try the next few dishes that weren’t so bad while daydreaming about tempura and karaage chicken, the waiter brought out the dessert. A small green cube. It looked like matcha. Perhaps some kind of jelly cake. I was fixated on matcha. Latte, tea, cakes, KitKats, even just the powder sprinkled on things. 

I bit into it, taking half with me.

Instant regret. 

No. 

Tristan looked at me with the same expression I think I’m pulling. This was not matcha. I shook my head at him. 

I couldn’t. 

I grabbed the napkin as he carried on watching me, looking around the room to see if anyone was watching and spat it out discreetly.

‘Oh. My. God,’ I whispered.

Tristan swallowed it stubbornly as if he refused to be defeated by the disgusting dessert attacking our tastebuds. He readjusted the front of his hair and looked down at his plate.

‘I know. To be fair, that was bad. I don’t know what that was. I was expecting matcha. At least no one saw you spit it out. Try to hide it or something.’

‘Okay.’

‘This hasn’t been the greatest meal, I’ll admit. It’s a shame, I thought we’d be able to pick from the menu, but it makes sense if it comes with the room I guess.’

‘Not doing that ever again.’

‘Sorry, I wanted it to be good for us.’

‘Why are you apologising? It’s not your fault.’

‘I found this place, so I feel responsible and now you’re still hungry.’

‘But the hotel is super nice, and we got an affordable room with a private Onsen on the balcony. Like… Seriously don’t sweat it. At least we had that nice steak for lunch down the road earlier.’

He readjusted the front of his hair again and took a sip of water. 

‘Shall we finish up and get back upstairs? There’s nothing to do around here at night anyway unless you want to sit for longer?’

‘Nah, I’d rather get into PJs and chill.’

‘Cool.’ 

He smiled at me but still looked flustered. Maybe his IBS was playing up, he couldn’t be this affected by my disappointment. I guess I did make our entire meal about how I didn’t like it though. 

Now I felt bad. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but I had kind of made it one. 

We both finished up our water and thanked the waiter for our meals. I apologised for being unwell and not being able to finish everything then bowed my head with my hands together. 

Once we got back to our room, I started to change into my pyjamas and told Tristan not to peek. We were still in the grey zone. I didn’t know what was acceptable. I didn’t want to strip off butt naked with the light on and overstep a boundary. It sounds silly now I’m thinking about it and what we have done. 

‘Eyes closed!’ 

He put his hands over his eyes.

‘Turn around then.’ 

I gestured with my hands while holding my kimono together.

‘Is this school?’ He laughed but obliged. 

He still hadn’t kissed me yet. We were affectionate and flirty, I knew I was sassy, but we hadn’t had sex, only foreplay. Plus, people fool around all the time, didn’t they? And it meant nothing. I hoped that wasn’t us. I couldn’t do that again. I’d been there. You were left with the torture of a fantasy of what could have been.  

He was down to his boxers at this point. I was in mini shorts and a tank top. We were brushing our teeth together while I also took my make-up off. Surprising how comfortable I was in this bright LED light as he watched. People seeing me without make up on was a huge anxiety of mine. Especially this early before anything had even really begun. I usually took it off in low light and then woke up, scooted off to shower and reapplied it in the morning. 

We both came out once we were done and I turned the light off. I laid down on the tatami mat and put the sheet over me then wriggled around trying to get comfortable.

‘Why are you so restless?’

‘Just am.’

I started to shuffle my hips; this was something I did often to chill out while trying to wind down for sleep.

‘Why do you do that?’

‘Shuffle my hips?’

‘Yeah, I noticed you doing that last night too.’

‘I don’t know really, I’m not sure when it started but I’ve done it since I can remember. It soothes me. Sometimes I do it even when I’m just lying down not getting ready to sleep, like on the sofa.’

‘Cute, I don’t have anything like that. I shuffle my feet together sometimes.’

‘I do that too. I’m just a shufflely wriggly girl.’ 

He laughed then tried to move subtly closer to me. I turned my back to him and got into a foetus position with my hand under the pillow. My behind was further towards him because of how I was curled. He reached his hand over to stroke the skin of my cheeks then sighed in what sounded like annoyance.

‘Argh, you’re so dangerous.’ He pulled away quickly. 

‘What do you mean?’ Now I was frustrated.

‘Your arse is out.’

‘Only because these shorts are small. I usually sleep naked, but I figured I needed something, or it would be inappropriate.’

‘Same.’

He reached his hand out again, but slower this time, as if he was trying to resist but I could feel the movement against the sheet. 

I arched my back which moved me closer to him. 

He put his hand around one of my cheeks and squeezed it tightly. 

I could feel three of his fingers between my legs.

‘Behave.’ 

He breathed into my ear.

‘Dangerous.’

Then he turned the other way.

‘Why?’ I whispered. ‘I’m not doing anything.’ 

He laughed. 

‘You just do something to me.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Don’t be.’

He turned around one last time, placed his thumb on my neck and kissed it gently while his other hand slid between my legs. 

‘Oh my god, you’re dripping. What brought that on?’

‘Shut—’ I groaned but bit my lip to disguise it, ‘—up.’ 

‘Tell me.’

‘Nothing.’

He pushed his finger into me, I gasped, and sensations tingled up through the centre of my body. He thrusted a few more times then pulled it out slowly. 

I could feel myself drip down onto the top of my thighs. 

‘I need to behave. You’re dangerous and tempting. So wet, my god.’

I was beyond frustrated now. What was that? Dangerous? Tempting? Then what was the problem? Maybe it was the age gap, but I’d never experienced someone who wanted me yet fought it.

Vocally. To my face. 

My brain and body were scrambled. It did turn me on. Witnessing someone that frustrated, fight it, and make it worse for themselves by indulging then having the willpower to pull away. Was it a game? Was it genuine? People usually just went for it if they had a green light to satisfy the want or need; they had. 

It was fascinating. 

Fascinating, but frustrating.

‘Night, I guess. You’ve worn me down.’

I was tired by this point from all the walking around during the day, chaotic dinner and whatever happened just now. 

‘Night bub.’He got up from the tatami mat and went outside. I wanted to ask why but my eyes kept opening and closing until I drifted into sleep.